“I DID GOOD OK?”
— Keira
C’s Office, Covenant HQ
“Well. You will be delighted to hear that Queen Maedhbh has agreed her current décor would not, in fact, be enhanced by the presence of your decapitated heads. Leaf green and blood red are not a good combination unless it is a battlefield, apparently, and she fears it might give some of her younger, more impressionable courtiers the wrong idea about the future she sees for her race.” C glares at them. She is not often visibly angry. She is so now. “I gave you very strict orders, yes? Can everyone agree that I gave very strict, very precise orders? Can we have that on the record? And I understand that it was Elres who made the initial decision to investigate further rather than returning as instructed? Yes? And by the time you made the decision to return as per orders and hand over the evidence you had collected, you were no longer able to leave?”
Everybody shuffles their feet and makes affirmative noises.
“Excellent. We have had suspicions about certain unsavoury practices on the part of our — ahem — esteemed allies for some time. You may consider, Mr Novac, that your team was an ill fit for this mission. I can assure you, it was carefully considered and absolutely fit for the job. Ms Sayles has the mindset to do unsavoury things where necessary. Robin comes from a time when the Sìth still lived in this Realm. Hyacinth — yes, I know she is not here — is an accomplished witch and as sharp as a tack. Elres is… Elres has a particular background that made her well suited to this mission. Mr Novac, you have the stopping power of an ill-tempered rhinoceros and little compunction about using it. Would you have suggested I send our intern? No. I thought not.
“There are only a few things I need to know at this point. The Sìth would have us believe that the Pritani — yes, Ms Sayles, those are what you would call the Picts — are a dangerous race. They say the tribes they have imprisoned were those who refused to give up their culture and integrate with changing society. They insisted on keeping their language, their customs, their martial practices, their pride. Their magic, ladies and gentlemen. Did they seem dangerous to you? What were your impressions?” Before anyone can answer, she continues. “And Windsor. Was there anything that might help us to ascertain how he found out about Abersky and its unique arrangements? Was he an opportunist, or do you think he had any additional agenda? Ideally we would have him in custody. As you know, we have agents who are very skilled at extracting information from even the most unwilling subject. Still. No matter, Needs must.”
Robin holds up one hairy hand. “Robin no do an investigate, me only throw rock.”
C sighs. “If you say so, Robin. I am sure you were more helpful than that. Or perhaps I should be speaking to your previous incarnation.”
“Keira no let Robin help. Robin want drive, Robin want rock go bang, Keira say no. Me only throw rock, sing song of Robin’s people… and me maybe mumble mumble mumble.”
Robin shuffles back behind Karl.
“All I wanted to do was have Keira get some pictures of the stone circle. Seemed like an important place to photograph. Not her fault that things went sour so quickly,” Elres says.
“This is not about fault,” C says sharply. “It is a record of fact. No one is being thrown to the wolves, or should I say Cù Sìth. I am establishing, for the record, what happened in what order. That is all. Anything more than that will come from your own people. At least as far as you are concerned.”
Karl grunts. “I’ve shared my opinions on the suitability of the team on a mission that wasn’t meant to go sideways; you didn’t throw us under the bus, and that’s really all I was worried about. As regards the Pritani, between them and the Sìth, they were the ones who didn’t attack us and in fact protected us while we were undoing the nutty professor’s work. They also aided us in keeping the villagers from getting fitted for body bags, and, excepting pointy-ears over there, I think we’ve made some tenuous inroads toward a functional working relationship. And they don’t seem to be shrieking assholes, which is more than I can say for our current Sìth allies. Ma’am.”
C almost manages to hide her smile. “Thank you for that carefully expressed assessment, Mr Novac. I am pleased you were less informative, not to mention expressive, when you approached me earlier. Elres, perhaps you can keep the ‘shrieking assholes’ part of Mr Novac’s assessment from official dispatches? Thank you so much. In your opinion, Mr Novac, is there likely to be anything left on site that makes it worth sending some forensic techs to run clean-up?”
“No worry, Karl leave plenty needing clean. He make big mess,” Robin cackles.
“Might be reasonable to gather up any equipment Dr. Wonko left, just in case any of it is potentially operational or instructive to like-minded dumbasses,” Karl says. “We were mostly concerned with shutting it down at the time; he might have more equipment tucked away under his bed or something. My sister-in-law is tenured faculty, and given what she makes, I have to assume these machines aren’t terribly expensive to make, if he had 8 or 9 of them. Might be an even ten, and again, see previous, re: like-minded dumbasses. And,” he says, jabbing Robin in the ribs. “as messes go, one sluagh tartare isn’t that bad.”
“I doubt anyone will replicate the work. It seems” — C pinches the bridge of her nose as if cutting off thoughts of even more complications — “Dr Windsor was born in 1843 and has been working on this problem for quite some time, aided by canny investments of an inheritance. Nevertheless, I shall send in the Cleaners. A sensible idea.”
“That’s a genuine relief, ma’am,” Karl says.
Robin leans out from behind Karl and holds up his hand. “Ok. Robin help, me go do clean.”
“No, Robin, we need someone sensible. As much as I appreciate your willingness, I am sure we can find something more suited to your talents.”
“C just like Keira and say no Robin,” Robin says, miming his idea of Keira telling him ‘no’ for the umpteenth time. “C Just like Keira, but old. Me bet second best stick C say no to Robin want rock go bang just like Keira.” He goes back behind Karl, muttering loudly. “Robin go Merlin and me get magic rock go bang. magic rock go bang better than just rock go bank, must have better name… hmmmm… Thunder rock! Yes. Thunder rock good name. Me get thunder rock from Merlin. If Merlin in good mood Robin get rock not only go bang, but when rock make thunder all who hear go surprise poop!”
Keira steps forward, obviously annoyed. “I took a LOT of pictures and distinctly a) reminded people we should not investigate; and b) prevented at least one Covenant Asset from jumping through a hole in the world; and c) managed to convince a local to talk to a relative to prevent an entire village being stuck in a fae prison. I DID GOOD OK?”
“Thank you, Ms Sayles. Your photographic evidence has already been passed to the Research and Archive Division,” C says, checking her computer screen. “We have a physiotherapist ready to assess your injury for any lasting damage, should you consent to medical support. Your intervention in the case of the villagers is duly noted and most appreciated, even though I understand Hyacinth mediated on the more technical aspects? A pity about Dr Windsor. I am sure we would have found placing him in one of our interrogation units most… edifying.”
“Dr Windsor’s demise was an unfortunate case of a ricochet warning shot. Won’t happen again.”
“Is that a euphemism for…” C checks her notes again. “Shot him in the talisman?” She offers a wink so subtle it might not even be a wink. “I cannot say I would have acted differently. A passing observation, no more.”
“All I can decisively say is a warning shot was definitely issued, and his talisman was hit by a bullet. Ma’am.”
Karl’s face is so impassive, the inside of his cheek must be a raw mess from being bitten to keep himself from laughing. His eyes have not so much as moved in Keira’s direction since she began talking, but after that last “ma’am” he was vibrating so hard that C’s tea resembles a water glass in Jurassic Park, and right now it’s 50:50 whether he’ll make it through the rest of the debrief without laughing or exploding.
Robin stops muttering for a moment. “Keira make bad promise. Man no here. Man already dead.. Hard to kill man already dead. Very hard if dead man no here,” he exclaims.
C fails to hide a chuckle by clearing her throat. “Very well. You are all dismissed. Thank you. Should there be anything else, I am sure I will be able to find you.”